Monday, February 16, 2009

March on

Today I am 40.
I am not one who normally dwells on age. It's always been just a number, not anything to think of, nothing I can control.
And it still is.

But it's with no small bit of nostalgia and a vaguely hurting heart that I look back today. So much time. Some good, some very good, some not so much.

I get it. Time marches on. Children grow up. Friends and lovers and sometimes even family pass from our lives. Youth becomes a memory for reliving over beer and barbecue by the pool. Stories of dancing on tables at the frat party; sneaking out bedroom windows with the neighbor boy, a first love; piercing ears and noses with an ice cube and a sewing needle; taking a forbidden road trip to Chicago to check out that horrible, frightening punk band. On a school night.

Stories that might be from someone else's life.

And the stories that didn't happen and, I realize today, never will. The packpack across Europe; the cross country road trip with that guy I still have a crush on; the move to New York to grit it out until fame and fortune hit.

No, now it's suburbia and PTA. Mortgages 1 & 2 and trips to the same seaside resort with the same friends year after year. I refuse to own a mini-van, though. I don't care about the practicality. But that's life. I'm not the first, last or only one to have this conversation with myself.

Right. I get it.
But that doesn't make the little bruise kept buried deep inside hurt less.
Someday, maybe, but today.


angelinabeadalina said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! All those feelings come with the 40th birthday package, but that's not a bad thing. Seems like 40 was when I came to terms with what's done is done (good or bad) and there's more to come so the possibilities are still there :).

P.S. OMG, the mini-van! We just got a used one. Technically, my van is awfully darn close to a mini-van, but it's boxier and more "van"-ish (at least that's what I've been telling myself). At least the minivan has leather interior!

Deb said...

Laurie - I feel so bad that I missed this & didn't even say "Happy Birthday"!
You know the whole thing I figured out about 40? It's just a number! It was with great shock that I woke up on the morning of my dreaded 40th (yep - I'd spent a year not wanting it to happen)& realised that I didn't feel any different, any older, any anything!

The subtle shift that makes one wiser, more self assured & a lot more comfortable in ones own skin happens in the late 30's....even though we think we know it all far earlier. That makes 40 a great place to be.

They say life begins at 40 for a good reason - sit back & absorb the things happening around'll see what I mean over time!
Hope the day was a good one - Hugs, Deb

Laurie Whitney - Mermaid Glass said...

Thanks, ladies. It was a good day. I hope I am wiser as well as older.

And Ang, there is no shame in the mini-van. Really. I mean that. ;)~

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