Today I am 40.
I am not one who normally dwells on age. It's always been just a number, not anything to think of, nothing I can control.
And it still is.
But it's with no small bit of nostalgia and a vaguely hurting heart that I look back today. So much time. Some good, some very good, some not so much.
I get it. Time marches on. Children grow up. Friends and lovers and sometimes even family pass from our lives. Youth becomes a memory for reliving over beer and barbecue by the pool. Stories of dancing on tables at the frat party; sneaking out bedroom windows with the neighbor boy, a first love; piercing ears and noses with an ice cube and a sewing needle; taking a forbidden road trip to Chicago to check out that horrible, frightening punk band. On a school night.
Stories that might be from someone else's life.
And the stories that didn't happen and, I realize today, never will. The packpack across Europe; the cross country road trip with that guy I still have a crush on; the move to New York to grit it out until fame and fortune hit.
No, now it's suburbia and PTA. Mortgages 1 & 2 and trips to the same seaside resort with the same friends year after year. I refuse to own a mini-van, though. I don't care about the practicality. But that's life. I'm not the first, last or only one to have this conversation with myself.
Right. I get it.
But that doesn't make the little bruise kept buried deep inside hurt less.
Someday, maybe, but today.
3 comments:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! All those feelings come with the 40th birthday package, but that's not a bad thing. Seems like 40 was when I came to terms with what's done is done (good or bad) and there's more to come so the possibilities are still there :).
P.S. OMG, the mini-van! We just got a used one. Technically, my van is awfully darn close to a mini-van, but it's boxier and more "van"-ish (at least that's what I've been telling myself). At least the minivan has leather interior!
Laurie - I feel so bad that I missed this & didn't even say "Happy Birthday"!
You know the whole thing I figured out about 40? It's just a number! It was with great shock that I woke up on the morning of my dreaded 40th (yep - I'd spent a year not wanting it to happen)& realised that I didn't feel any different, any older, any anything!
The subtle shift that makes one wiser, more self assured & a lot more comfortable in ones own skin happens in the late 30's....even though we think we know it all far earlier. That makes 40 a great place to be.
They say life begins at 40 for a good reason - sit back & absorb the things happening around you....you'll see what I mean over time!
Hope the day was a good one - Hugs, Deb
Thanks, ladies. It was a good day. I hope I am wiser as well as older.
And Ang, there is no shame in the mini-van. Really. I mean that. ;)~
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