Sunday, December 16, 2007

Where am I?

Have you ever had a moment, not exactly an epiphany but kind of like an awakening? Maybe where you're in your life, doing your ordinary everyday stuff and all of the sudden you're like "Where am I? Who am I and why am I wearing these shoes?"
I, of course, am not meaning in a literal sense but in a soul-deep and much more profound way.
This happened to me last week. I just sort of woke up and was a little bit suprised by the shoes I was wearing and the places I was going and the things that were coming out of my own mouth. How did I get here and is this where I really want to be? What happened to the person I used to be. I was an individualist, a little bit reckless and a lot bit impulsive. I was never a follower, always a trend-setter. I was not Miss Popularity, but I chose specifically the friends I wanted and made them my own. I was a doer, not a planner.
Now I am a planner and a doer. An organizer. I am safe and somewhat reliable, predictable in many ways. I am flip-flops and trips to the mall. I am no longer combat boots and spur of the moment roadtrips.
Of course, some things have to change when you have kids and I recognize that. But my core self? Did that need to change?
And what caused this change? Was it the influence of others, which I have long resisted, lulling me into suburban complacency? Was it the natural desire of the aging to be part of a pack, for the purpose of safety? Was it a desire for conformity for the sake of my children?
I don't know, but I am wondering.

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