Tuesday, April 29, 2008

So you had a bad day

I'm tired this morning. It's just one of those days. Tired and a little down. I told myself when I started this blog that I wouldn't make it a dumping ground for toxic Laurie-waste. That I wouldn't drop piles of yuck all over the place here. It was going to be an upbeat place for beautiful pictures, info about glass and a spot to share the good stuff.
I don't know if it's because my parents have left and I never know if bad news will come from them when they are 1300 miles away or because I've been so busy lately or because my husband's job is so uncertain or because the economy is so rotten or because my toenail polish is chipped. I'm just sad.
I think part of it is I've been having a very bad flare-up lately. I have fibromyalgia. I never tell anyone that. Before I spent two years seeing specialists and having tests run and blood drawn and MRI's and X-rays, I didn't even believe in fibromyalgia. I still don't, sometimes, but I guess I have to.
Since I'm feeling shitty, here's the story. When my daughter was less than a year old, I was on my way to work. I was a Director with a small software development company. I made good money, supported my family, loved my job. Then, this old guy pulled out in front of me in his truck and trailer with a large piece of heavy machinery on it. I hit him very hard in my car, totalled the vehicle and my ruined my back. He didn't have insurance.
I eventually had to leave my job, stop my advanced degree college courses, lose my income and move onto my couch, which is where I spent a great deal of time for many months. I couldn't even walk to my mailbox most days. We nearly lost our house, used every bit of our savings, and extended our credit to the hilt. I was 30 years old.
Eventually, though doomed to chronic pain and limited motion for the rest of my life, my back got a little better through physical therapy, spinal steroid injections and a lot of rest. I could walk upright again. Then the joint pain started. Some days I can't even turn a doorknob or stand up because the wrist and ankle pain is so severe. (I got trapped in the bathroom once for an entire afternoon!) Some days I'm so exhausted that I have to force myself to stay up until my kids bedtime so I can tuck them in. There's medications on the market now, but so far I haven't had any luck with them. It's been six years since that diagnosis and nothing has really changed.
I still can't really work. I still can't do most of the things I used to take for granted. I force myself to stay as active as possible, no matter how bad I feel and no matter how much it hurts because, well, what else can I do?
But, today is just a bad day. I'm just down.
I hope I don't get stuck in the bathroom today. That would just suck.

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