Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Stop time Fighting it. Not believing it. Oh, crap, here it comes. I can't stop it. Can't stop it. Aaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

O.K. So, like, my birthday is coming in just a few days. Did I mention that? Also, I don't use the word 'like' that way in general conversation. I just wanted to revisit my misspent, mall-cruising youth for a second. 'Kay, better now.

I think we've discussed this before, but, do any of you ever look back on your life and just sort of, I don't know, wonder about it? I mean, wonder about how you ended up making some of your decisions? I do. I look at some of my choices and I can't understand or remember why I made them in the first place. It's like, I'm one person on the inside, but on the outside I'm acting out some different sort of existence and all of the things I've done (or many of them, anyway) have been taken out of my context. They don't seem to make much sense when grouped together as a whole.
Is everyone's life like that?
Even now, in my own awareness, I can't seem to stop doing these things. For example:

My husband's car broke down this week and he can't seem to figure out the problem with it. I'm concerned about how much it's going to cost to repair it, can it be repaired, etc. We've already spent over $2000 on it in the last year and a half, but we can't really afford to replace it right now.

In an unrelated discussion yesterday, he asks me what I'd like to do for my birthday.
Now, inside, I'm saying, "Well, on Saturday, I think I'd like to go to the beach. Maybe see if my parents want to go. We could hang out, relax. Just chill to the waves for a couple of hours. On the way home, I want to stop at the Tiki and sit outside and eat some rock shrimp and have a couple of Corona. There's a band playing and we could just hang out for a while. Then, on Sunday, I'd like to go shopping and pick out that awesome new stool for my workbench. You know, the swivel one with the back on it? At Sears? Then, on the way home, why don't we swing by Seasons 52 for a casual dinner. I love that place. It smells so good in there."

On the outside, I say, "I just want to get your car fixed. I can't relax until that's done."

WTF? Why would I say that? It's my birthday for crying out loud. I want to work on his car on my birthday? No wonder people take me for granted. I set a perfect example.

Have a better day.

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